My Last Year

The year for me has been full of disappointment, hurt, ups and downs emotionally.  Hard to process and even more difficult to understand.   I spent time alone this afternoon, praying to God and asking him to show me answers.  Why am I at the lowest place in my life, when I should be the happiest.  It has to do with losing things I cherished, material things and losing hope.  Hope was the hardest.  Wondering what I had done wrong I asked to be shown how to continue and move out of the darkness and be into light again.  I was moved to tears as the first song on The Voice tonight gave me clear direction on how to proceed, in spite of everything.  Please watch the beautiful video below, maybe it answers some of your needs too.

 

 

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I’m Just a Girl

Girl

A girl who thought I would be young forever and even bad choices would have no consequence.  A girl who lived her life addicted to food as surely as others do to drugs or alcohol.  Buried my pain, my past, my happiness, my loneliness, my boredom in food to paralyze me and stop the feelings.  Started over more times that I can count.  Even had some success, but still not free.

Consequences have hit.  I am a diabetic that has climbing numbers rather than falling.  My kidneys have shown issues several times over the last year due to diabetes.  An MRI of my brain shows vessel disease that may or may not cause dementia or alzheimers.  No time, nothing to tell me of my coming days.

Well, look at me, I am 65.  But inside I still feel young, until I start to move and my bad knee aches and the knee replacement clicks as I walk.  I’m a timebomb ticking.

This girl could improve her chances by taking control finally of eating healthy.  This girl could enjoy her time more if she could make herself get up and do something rather than prefer to stay behind the computer or tv screen.  This girl could help her depression if she started to exercise.  It is all overwhelming to this girl.

And she has so much and knows she is lucky to have chidren, grandchildren, family, friends and a husband who love her and she loves with all of her being.  Yet why, is it still not enough to pull this girl out of the hole she is in, out of the bad food choices she makes, out of the depression.  There is such a bright future for all of her friends and loved ones and she would fight to the end to pull them out, but not sure she can find something in herself to pull this girl out.

 

 

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Always

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Do Unto Others

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Remember everyday to treat others how you want to be treated.  Criticism hurts and these are emotional scars that never go away.  Treat your loved ones as if each day is your last with them.   Have a happy and uncritical day!

 

 

 

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Granny’s Cabinet

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My granny, in the middle, me in the green shirt on the bottom and my second mother, Aunt Mary on the right.

For most of the years I knew her, Granny lived in a very small modest house.  Her kitchen used to be a back porch that was enclosed and so it had very few cabinets.  This cupboard held her everyday dishes and glasses.  I remember so many times setting her gray and white formica table for a meal.  Granny was a cook.  This cabinet is full of many sentimental memories.

She worked in a restaurant for years and then in a hospital baking.  Her pies and cakes were big hits not only with the patients, but also with the doctors at the hospital who hired her to make desserts for their personal parties.  But Granny was not all sweet.   🙂   She would speak her mind whether you asked for it or not.  She was feisty and active and driving into her 80’s a blue Rambler.  Sometimes driving much further than her daughters thought she should, of course without telling them, but only to be found out later.

After she died, the one thing that I wanted of hers was this cabinet.  It reminds me of childhood and being in Granny and Papa’s house and the love I felt for them.  It reminds me of Susie, their boxer and taking her for walks.  It reminds me of their blue parakeet that Papa let out of it’s cage to fly and land on him.  It reminds me of family.

So much family has passed on and others drifted apart.  I still miss their faces and the laughter and a simpler time in life.  I didn’t have room for Granny’s cabinet in my kitchen when I moved so it was stored in the basement.  But this weekend I again found a spot for it in the kitchen.

The clasp on the glass door has always been missing and it opens randomly at various times.  I used to have to close it all the time in my other house.  But as I closed it, I always said “Hi Granny”, in case it was her needing to set the table.  Although the paint is dirty and chipped, I lightly wipe it off.  There is nothing more important to me than keeping Granny’s memory alive and her cabinet covered in her fingerprints.

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Granny’s Book of Recipes                                Her Recipe for Derby Pie 4 or 1

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Therapy for a Tired Soul

Blah!   That’s how I’ve been feeling.  Tired, frustrated, irritable and unmotivated!  Is it the weather, certainly the lack of sunshine and cold doesn’t help.  Or maybe my job, my boss is certainly a pain in the a**.  Or the commute, an hour each way and the fact that I have to get up at 5:30 in the morning.  It doesn’t help that at 5:30 I rarely put on makeup or really care about what I’m wearing.  Overall, I’m a mess.

So tonight I stopped at Target on the way home from work.  Bought a few things, a little makeup, a new sweater and of course a purse.  🙂  Anyone that knows me, knows a purse is my go to item when I’m in need of retail therapy.

Tomorrow when I get up at 5:30 and get ready for work, I WILL put on a new sweater and create an outfit I think is cute.  I WILL put on my new eyeliner and of course the shimmer powder on my cheeks to give my 64 year old skin a bit of a youthful glow.  My hair will actually be styled and not just quickly brushed with a shrug of my shoulders meaning “good enough”.  Now the people at work may not even notice a difference.  They may still see a 64 year old woman with a little make up on, still fat with a big butt and some noticeable stiffness in her gait from bad knees.  But…..hopefully in my mind, I will see the girl of my dreams.

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A Day Late, but Still Thankful

Thanksgiving

Baked myself silly today.  Two pumpkin, one sweet potato, blueberry, cherry and a full pan of pecan pie.  People, bring your appetites!

I like celebrating Thanksgiving a day later.  It gives me an opportunity to get ready and not on a night after work.  My house will be full, our bellies will be full and our hearts full of love for one another.  How much more do we need to be thankful?

 

 

 

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A Year and a Lifetime of Learning Later

Thanksgiving eve, a wonderful to time to review my choices and my life changes in the last year since I have posted. Many things have changed. I have gotten jobs, I’ve left jobs, I’ve been happy, I’ve been depressed, but mostly I have lived and learned.

The last year included an awful job, which I left. Finally deciding at my stage in life I was no longer willing to jump thru the hoops and change completely who I am to meet unrealistic expectations. I am currently working at a position that is less stress, and more time for organization. The downfall is a two hour a day commute.

Most importantly I reconnected with a man I dated in high school, thru such a series of coincidences that it could only have been God’s plan. We married in August and he is the most wonderful, quirky, funny man I have ever met. How did I not notice that 46 years ago? Maturity has its benefits. I am so blessed.

My children and family will celebrate Thanksgiving with me on Friday due to work schedules. I thank God for them everyday and pray for their happiness and health.

My health, ie. weight has stayed the same even though I lost weight almost a year ago. Time to restart that process and I feel ready to not only eat right and healtlhy, but to start exercise program in the water that will help. What I have recently learned is that my knees are are in end stages of arthritits and need double knee replacement. I will continue to work and strengthen my muscles until pain gives me no other option. Already I have unstable knees that hyperextend and twist when I don’t expect it and cause pain.

But all in all, I have a wonderful family that loves me and wants to come and eat my cooking. 🙂 A husband that loves me and I love him. We have fun together and laugh all the time. The key I think to a good relationship at a time in my life I never expected to find love again. A job that is good for me, despite the commute and the desire to continue to work on personal improvement.

All in all, not a bad life to be thankful for this year. I hope the year has brought you as much happiness and learning as it has to me. God Bless in the next year.

Posted in Diet, Empowerment, Gratitude, Happy, Inspiration, Inspire, Life, Love, Low Carb, Memoir, Motivation, Older Worker, Uncategorized, Weight Loss, What's Next | 2 Comments

Finally…….You’re Hired

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Starting Monday I have a new job!

I was beginning to give up, but it was in God’s time and not mine.  Looking back I can see that it was for a reason.  I was available to be with my sister thru her cancer diagnosis and treatment.  I was given the gift of time to spend with my mom and aunt.  My grandkids and I have spent more time together.  And lastly, I have been able to spend time on myself.

I am grateful for a new job, but most of all, I am grateful for the gift of time.

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Daily Inspiration

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